Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I WANNA BLACK BAYBAY


"Madonna's Personal Assistant brings new Malawian son through Heathrow."

Seems as if Madonna's business empire has now extended to smuggling illegal immigrants. She's gonna have fun with all the fake visas, when the in-laws all want to come over for the Christening.

They should have known what was up when Madge was flapping her bingo-wings in an effort to hide the fact that she was probably the only person in Malawi of her age to still have all her own teeth, and not be responsible for all her aids-orphaned grandchildren.

Shame, noones posted the harry Enfield sketch, where Waynetta demands a black baby, cos all the other mothers on the estate/project have at least black child. Hence the title of this post.

If you can't be happy, be bitter.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

EAT IT PLEASE

Title apropos of nothing, just something I read in the last hour online. This website powered by Tesco's Spanish Cava. Special offer £3 something. Just don't buy out all the stock in my local Express.

Just watched the video of Madoona's $Jump.$[Off a cliff more like] Well she's got to save the bobbies now a little kiddies on the way. Big combat trousers to hide the scrawny loins that will never see a delivery. Just her and a clothes rail, and more Parkour than Sainsbury's. What is it with this Parkour. Try Parkour on Beachy Head and then tell me it's a new form of dance. Nobody mention the syrup. What next, H&M dentures, as worn on tour?


Highlights of today. Don't stay at home it's dangerous. letter from landlord asking me to let them in to evict Mr. Para upstairs. One thing I've learnt in this world is , you don't trust people, they'll give you every reason not to trust them. I'm sick of him freakin out every time the postman signs the Recorded Delivery summons himself, rather than leave a card. I couldn't care a f*** about your upcoming courtcase, and I ain't too impressed about you taking in post for men with eastern names neiver. Then dealing with Miss Pavlos, 'oo wants to set a pack of non-English speaking electricians to gut my house like they did the bloke next door. What's mid European for "You've f***ing fused the f***ing fuses, don't you realise I've got a f***ing live webcam show at 14.30 hours British Summer Time."

Not much happening personally. Huge strapping Strawberry blonde moved into the flat recently vacated by the african couple and their dead baby, what they waited an hour in the G.P.'s with. Strange way to cover up infanticide. Reminds me of the baby murder industry they 'ad in old Lunnen town. Proper embarissin' when they drained the Serpintine, only to discover a layer of infant skellingtons. Sorry, I must be channeling some Victorian Bawd.

Goodnight, and yeah sorry, I do still have access to a modem.

P.s, to Caroline, the only one to dare comment on this blog in years. Pete from Big Brother 7 had Tourette's and is not a "Spastic." By which I think you meant cerebral palsy, which is a condition caused be a lack of oxygen to the brain during birth. This can cause all sorts of degrees of damage, from profound motor skills damage, while the peron inside is completely sentient, to mental as well as physical disabilities. Pete had Tourettes Syndrome, causing physical ticks and profane statements, such as swearing and confessing you voted Labour in the last election. It was interesting to see it manifested in Pete whenever he faced psycho-social conflict. E.G. Nicki: "Does my bum look big in this? Petetee Darling?" "Wankers!" Of Course Wankers! Not My srawny stick of love. Wankers." I don't think she realised he was the usual shade of hippy wishy-washyness - "Let's not tie ourselves up in the patriarchal possesiveness of materialistic western society bullshit." As the space cadet said herself [or her agent] "He wouldn't hurt and insect, but he destroyed me!"

P.P.S. Still waiting on Jenny's fitness DVD.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

Through the round window.




Well, isn't it hot in the Big Brother House today!

Big Ted is in the garden with Little Ted.

Big Ted - "Omigod, it's been so long, they're gonna have to open my ass-crack with harpoon.

Little Ted - "Really! I'm trying to preserve as much masculinity as possible."

Mysterious hands descend to help Little Ted swish back into the house.

Meanwhile, in a studio nearby.

Jemima - "I so hate that Hamble. I just know she's going to be all over Brian Cant now I'm not in the house.

With she collapses on the floor, her lanky striped legs all akimbo.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/cult/classic/playschool/trivia.shtml

Technical note. I've been trying to do a skit now for two weeks on Lea, can't find orange balloons anywhere, but then it's no longer topical. Could anyone help me out with an image of Jemima? How I mis those big rosy Cheeks.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Big Brother 7 Up

I can't helping feeling, especially with the lastest series of Big Brother, that one can't watch reality television without being prepared to take part in it one's self at some point. To see that the two oldest [by far] housemates this series, who are roughly my own age, are seen as either ridiculous if they try to be entertaining, or controlling if they try to intervene in any "Lord of the Flies" scenario.

Lea is hardly guilty of having plumbed the depths of depravity in the adult entertainment business, nor the heights of financial exploitation. While Richard, with his past experience of that American institution, Summer Camp, is just a head waiter/server exasperated at unruly diners with only a slightly supercilious air. Wish he would skip the baby blue eye shadow though.

Last night, and for the first time in the history of the series, a contestant was admitted, under the initially random golden ticket scheme. [Think Willy Wonka.] A great failure as most of the entrants had bought their tickets for last sums on the resale market, and all I could see were row upon row of identical middle aged / middle-class wannabees, all the same age as those being inside the house. I cringed as the middle-aged promotions woman was grilled by the pubescent promotions girls already resident.

As it doesn't look like I ever auditioned in time, I thought back to the Grandaddy of all reality television series "Seven Up."

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0002S64SC/002-8567740-9584843?v=glance&n=130

The series started in the early 60's, without the consent of any of the then seven year old participants. The idea, based on the Jesuit maxim "Give me the child of seven, and I will give you the man" meaning that after that impressionable age, it would be impossible to influence a persons character in any meaningful or permanent way. The series is revisited every 7 years, catching up on the lives and development of this disperate bunch of baby boomers. The idea was to relate this to the backgrounds from which they all came, it's been too English to probe too far, and the most successful and upperclass having all predictably dropped out.

Big Brother is the closest thing to a soap opera I have ever watched, with the same arc of each character's story, their fellow housemates/contestants all busily scriptwriting, and shoehorning each other into the roles and plots already decided. realising that I am now too old to take part, unless my husband stumps up the money, I wondered what the arc of the real persons actual life would be, after a bruch of such fictionalising. Will we be seeing more updates in the future than just Brian Dowling on the mint? How about a secret garden, where everyone evicted is moved to, a parallel house.

Will Sam, for example, survive the constant character assasination on an already fairly fluid ego in her/hislife in the real world. [Coincidentally the name of a less claustraphobic predecessor on MTV]

What am I trying to say? A character appears on television, with a back story, something dramatic happens, endless speculation in the papers between the portrayal and the real person/actor, and then the painful writing out of the storyline.

I read somewhere that Sam was booted out of the family home at 14, for his/her taste in nail polish, certainly not the £300,000 flat in Notting Hill, lavished on Grace. Okay, Sam made the mistake of thing that calling everyone in earshot "AMAZING!" would banish the dark side, rather than owning her own potential for negativity. She unwittingly backed into being called hypocritical anyway over the "arselicking" incident. But didn't anyone question the origin of Sam's neediness?

What price will she, or anyone on the gogglebox pay, for the misreprentation of themselves for the expedience of plotting.

Who cares, now where is that picture of Pete's dick I wanted to post?

Let's say . . . . . Grace?

http://www.channel4.com/bigbrother/

"Why are they booing me? I don't snog women with fake tits over glass tables!"

"I was just being myself, maybe I shouldn't have been, maybe I should have been backstabbing like everyone else." This from a little girl who could upstage Linda Blair for expelling bile.

Catch her on Monday [Sensless 12 June 11 pm] sniffing the arse of her of her big black ex-boyfriend. Now what was that about Aisleeyne being a 'wigga?'

Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Big Bedlam


This image records how the paying public in the Eighteenth century visited Bedlem mental Hospital for entrtainment, to be amused and shocked at the behaviour of its inmates.

In the danger of repeating myself, I am still appaled by the progress of Big Brother 7. Starting with Shabaz and going all the way up to the producers. The idea of the programme is to expose the psychology of the contestants.

I AM fascinated with social psychology, more so than whether any hanky panky takes place.

But I don't see that people out of adolesence should be expected to deal with disturbed behaviour, and when I saw Shabaz mugging as a spastic person to illusttarte his use of the word imbecile, well . . . . . . I have worked with people with cerebral palsy, and they have as much going on inside as you and me. Playing tit for tat with stigmas is just not on.

It also touches on something I have learnt is poison to the social compact - paranoia. It's more contagious than syphilis. My neighbour upstairs [ever wondered if I'm house bound?] since I accidently opened a letter of his, doesn't trust that I'm not spying on him. I've recently been accused of signing for the delivery of a summons, and knowing something about why his front door lock doesn't work properly.

Now I don't trust him.

If this blog disappears, look out for news that an idiot with a red nose and too much eye shadow was found stabbed in his bed.

There's a lot in the media about the shallowness of reality tv stars, Chantelle for example, but as the Big Brother house is on display, any kind of interior life, any dissembling is seen as some kind of sinister witholding, being two-faced, on a task, etc, etc. The openess of Shabaz's behaviour seems to be taken as proof of it's triviality, not the display of a behavioural pirhana in a pool of entertainment minnows. Come on Endemol, takes some responsibility!

Monday, May 22, 2006

Shabba Wanker












Spot the difference!

Which one is most likely to:

Have no understanding of personal space.

Finish your sentences.

Accept no responsibility for his actions.

Serve up dollops of his self-contempt as a "compliment."

Out you in the most crudest way.

Hide behind accusations of homophobia.

Why it's Shabaz.

It's too sad I know, to post on Big Brother, but when I saw an 18 year old boy try and explain to a 30 something man, that he didn't appreciate being continually touched, only to be asked if he had a problem with homosexuals, I saw blood. LEAVE THE BABIES ALONE!

Imissed last night's episode, but did catch the live broadcast, where in the middle of hiding all the hous'e food in a compost bin in the garden, the camera actually TURNED AWAY from the sad poof.

I do wonder if this man's grotesque double think as been his only defence as a gay Muslim over the years . . . . but come on, please.

It's intriguing that such an unsuitiable person, get a position to dominate the start of such a long series, as a founder member of the "Big Brotherhood." I found Makosi's interminable paranoia in the last series, wasn't helped by being given a "secret task" almost from the first episode.

Now I've vented my spleen, I can only justify my triviality with somthing wot I read on page 8 of today's Guardian. "Psychologists yesterday argued that that rumour, scandal and defamation of others is what brings us together. Professors at the University of Oklahoma had dozens of subjects 'eavesdrop' on a recorded converstaion between two fictional characters, Brad and Melissa. The group was then asked to mingle and chat about what they liked or disliked about either. The scientists found people felt closer if they agreed in their antipathy towards either Brad or Melissa. a common fondness created less of a bond."

Well, that's me covered then. Wanna be my friend? Promise I won't backbite you. Honest.

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Morrissey: "I want to be used. I want to be used."


Just to show I throw nothing out. Mint condition too! From the October issue of the recently deceased Smash Hits. Just think there are people now ovulating, who weren't even born when this was first published. I'll start reading the newspaper under the carpet next.

Just testing this posting. Photos aren't coming up on clicking. If anyone is as anal as me, I'll add a transcript on request.



























Friday, April 07, 2006

This folder is empty.

It's spring! The sun is finally shining - on the cracks of my broken heart.

been in my head intellectually this winter, I'm practically a book. I'm officially chainsmoking now, expensive I know, for all sorts of reasons. [Perhaps they sell fags on ebay? Actually buy something useful. Dreamt this morning I went to Venice, with you know who. I know dreams are dull, mine are incredibly detailed, I even bought handmade decorations made by the hoteliers ugly daughter. The one who dropped us all in the Grand Canal taking too tight a turn on the vaporetti. What does that signify? Course there was all the usual surreal stuff, like walking across the ballroom at the Palazzo Rezzinico on trampolines suspended mid-air. X had to work, admittedly at more historical premises than in reality. Felt v.jealous of the customers who all went for his Ming the Merciless look, though I know on waking that he's been in the thrall of the incestuous pair of Mike Skinner lookalike brothers recently.

I know it's just the rythmns of something or other, my gentic code is wanting to get spliced literally, and we know we've been there before, havn't we? [I'm talking to myself at this point] So get back in the box, my bleeding heart, I busy eating an easter egg.

[It is a diary, after all!]

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Same old, same old.

Interesting to read the blog of a recent commenter, and to be reminded what it is to have a social life.

http://www.punki.co.uk/

Last trip out, was with my brother!, where he felt the need to explain my profession was being boring, when I didn't realise the lady chatting me up, was doing it for her friend nearby. What happened to - "My friend likes you."

I should be getting Broadband back, having been stuck with Dial-up since I mucked up the direct debits. Blogger refuses to uplaod anything unless I am using someonelse's pc, when I don't have access to my picture files. Hence the paucity of my entries.

Stinking cold, but I did see Mark Owen at the end of my road, when I stumbled to the chemists for lemsip. Oh and one of my dogs picked a fight with Orlando Bloom's dog in the park. The other one's on heat, and he's being a male chauvinist. "Looking at my bird are ya?" Wouldn't be so bad if he wasn't only about a foot and a half long. She meanwhile, after bleeding all over the duvet [no it's not a rosebud print] is now humping everything in sight in frustration. Know how you feel girl.

Friday, March 24, 2006

He's Back!

I can't tell you how happy I am to hear that my beauty role model is very far from deceased - don't listen to the internet, it's full of misinformation.

David Hoyle will be performing his one-man show "SOS." at The Royal Exchange Studio, Manchester on 27th May 2006. Tickets £8.50.

"David Hoyle's Show of Shows is inspired by Seaside Specials of the 1970's, with sensational songs, complex choreography and in-depth conversation. SOS is an autobiographical, inclusive experience with topical references and flashes of spontaneity. Come along to share an evening of mutual discovery. David Hoyle is an artist. His medium is often himself so he has many faces, most memorably The Divine David. Supported by Queer Up North Studio.

Director, Sarah Frankcom, Costumes by Sandy Powell, THE Sandy Powell?"

Sunday, March 19, 2006

When will I learn?


Nearly a month between posts? That's bad, not that you may care for my confessions. Bloggers seem to reveal the same failings. Mine? Have a cold and have used my time recuperating by spending a month's income on ebay in one afternoon. No stress is great for a cold, don't you agree?












Check out www.alvarezwaxmodels.com



Can you guess who this lovely lady is suppossed to be?

Thursday, February 23, 2006

Bewitched?

You know, something struck me as very familiar when watching Rosanna Arquette's new NBC series "MEDIUM."

Glam blonde working mother, with inconvenient supernatural powers, small children, husband tight-lipped about said supernatural powers.






Mmmmmmmmmmm?




Oh I know......



Monday, February 20, 2006

Case Study #314568 "The Long Story"



Well, I'm really struggling for items of interest. It's 00.33 and upstairs neighbour seems to be disassembling a wardrobe [well it's sounds like it] in the communal halway, that's 1m x 2m. trying to get my attention d'ya think?

He's just stormed out of the house after treating me to some more wicked basslines. I only go out this time of night to get fags from the petrol station, maybe he needs condoms?

For the last few years he's been charm incarnate, but perhaps due to the usual effects of african medicine, he's been rather paranoid of late. I have had to accept recently, that I'm blind as a bat first thing in the morning, and after a suprise visit from X and his large hairy dog to my tiny flat, I just scooped up the post and followed my visitors in. Against the usual burble re X's hairy straight neighbour putting the make on him, and the hairy neighbour's siblings drugged meanderings via Gaydar, I realised that the manilla envelope I'd just ripped open wasn't a yet another bargain from ebay, but something from Custom and Excise for him upstairs.

A serious matter I know, but I wasn't prepared for the paranoic ranting I recieved when he finally deigned to check his post. The man leaves piles of his post unopened for weeks in the tiny communal hallway. [Picking up the tiny theme yet?] Don't get me started on how the heaps of junk mail are some how my sole responsibilty to remove.

After subletting it [illegally] for two years while he worked in the states, he returned to take forcible repossession of it one evening without warning. Before that I'd put up with an enormous Nigerian couple, who loved to get intoxicated, dance, and fall over. Unsuprisingly this brought down the victorian ceiling below, that turned out to have been repaired, after a near miss bombing during the war, with CONCRETE. I had only just left the room when it happened. V. September 11th. It toook an hour before the dust started to settle and I could see into the room.

Since he's moved back it'had been pretty quiet till the incident with the post, apart from the odd suggestion over the years that I swap flats with him so he could have the garden that comes with the flat I'm in.

All this sets my nerves on edge, as before I moved here I had had to move twice because of harassment. Having been in a therapeutic community in the naive belief there was such a thing as "getting my head sorted out," I was considered to vulnerable to be rehoused living on my own. [He's back.] The first place was a complete culture shock having just come from an Arts and Crafts mansion in the wilds of suburbia. Big Brother can seem very familiar.

The new house itself was pretty unremarkable, yuppies moving in either side to remove all traces of the previous Jamaican occupants. They obviously didn't catch the recent show at the Geffrye Museum. [Basslines back on] "The Jamaican Front Room." Next door had an extension obviously built on over the years, no straight angles, exposed beams all tacked onto a three storey Victorian terrace house. It wouldn't have looked out of place on the set of "Lord of the Rings." There were four other residents, a religous jamaican girl, and a very thin waynetta and me on the top floor. The next floor down had a mute black guy and a real East End gangster-type whose only sign of life was chuckling to himself.

It was all pretty quiet during the day when the staff occasionally visited, but the nights were when the joint was jumping. By now I was aware that alcohol would cut out the effects of the medication that most of these people were on. Evenings could be pretty sticky. There was a regular visitor, I nicknamed "buggered with a chairleg" after having been told countless times about the act that led him to be in prison for murder. I can't remember why I was threatened with having my face slashed, surely not for being a supercilious queen! This was the place I first met the worker who has since been threatening X with murder, and crying wolf to the police. This after coming out of rehab for heroin, where he met Anorexic Joanna Lumley, whose Yorkshire Terrier X and I looked after, and led me to my getting two of my own. It's a small world!

The next 7 months was spent in a private psychiatric clinic care of NHS overcrowding, in a rapidly emptying hospital in Hammersmith. It's cavernous lobby, and Art Deco architecture meant it was ideal for filming, and to pop to the shops meant negotiating various filming crews. One time I passed Hwyel Bennet consoling a tearful bride next to a tank full of rubber lobster, while extras wandered around in old fashioned stripey pajamas and flannel dressing gons, all clutching hot water bottles. I think they were filming "Sliding Doors at the same time, mostly filmed at night, so that you'd leave the building at 11.00pm to lighting outside bright enough for day. Apparently it's more consistent than actual daylight. The last weekend I spent there, they spent ALL DAY filming an ambulance brake suddenly in the car park with a patient on a gurney shooting through the windscreen. Think that was for Channel 5.

The next place was even hairier than the last. I'd taken the room recently vacated by the local psychopathic african medicine dealer. He'd really made the place party central. Wall to wall hot rock burns throughout. He wasn't able to let go of such a great venue, and it didn't help that he was shagging one of the workers. Things had obviously got too hot for waynetta from the last place, but this agoraphobic heroine discovered her retinue of elderly Irish alcoholics were no more welcome at the new gaff. I was already persona non grata, called "Cecil" for having been caught watching C4.

It's amazing how intolerant the completely anti-social can be. Can't tell you how little Pride was appreciated when it was held nearby that summer. What happened to the credo of excess and hedonism? I lost count of days I came downstairs to find the kitchen full of punters from the nigh before glaring at me, all v.posh and tickled by how far they were slumming it. I may sound naive, never having lived in student digs, but don't forget I was stuck there as being too vulnerable to live in my own place.

After nights having my doorframe and furniture vibrate from the volume of music coming through three fire doors, and three floors down, things came to ahead when psychopathic drug dealer informed waynetta that she was lowering the tone with her ancient alchies, and it could affect how long the ladies of the night he had brought over would be prepared to stay. Fisticuffs ensued.

The police proved as ineffectual as ever unless provided with extensive video footage, and self -incrimating written statements by everyone concerned. After being assaulted after the police left, I felt I had had enough of the encouragements to top myself and let someone who wasn't a pervert occupy the room, and departed.

They best they could come up with was a house for those with "learning difficulties." Not much to report, apart from a resident falling down the very steep stairs to his death, the one evening I wasn't there. I was in the top floor garret for the third time, and used to stare out at the Orient Express as it flew my window, the track being level with the roof line, and only as far as the end of the tiny garden. How much further down the hole was I going to follow the white rabbit?

Then I ended up here. But that's another story. A long way to explain why I'm such a nervous wreck at the moment. I did have to fight my initial response, to superglue his lock and set fire to my place. And no, I don't have a history of arson. No prior convictions me. I'm sorry if this all sounds so twee, I was certainly made to feel so, having any expectations of civilised behaviour, and not let's get competitive about how out to lunch any of us are. The whole situation started from me fleeing packs of passive aggresive anorexics in suburbia.

The drawing? I've cut all my hair off again, arranging my fringe to hide my rapidly rising hairline in a way approved of by X was just becoming too dispiriting. The drawing is of a photo taken the first time I cut it all off. don't know where I went wrong with the mouth.

"Note to Katherine's Uterus" Will this do? The only highlight of todaywas my mother demonstrating her chicken oufit for her next production. Thought of slightly fictionalising my forays into prostitution, but's that's such a cliche, isn't it girls?

Thursday, February 09, 2006

OHMIGOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If you can remember the days when Pete Burns was cool 'cos he wore Dean Bright's purple dressing gowns the same month they were in the Face, well check out this entry on Lady Bunny, or perhaps not. Link below.

http://ladybunny.net/blog/2006/02/ballsiest-star-award-goes-to.html

Not safe for lunchtime, you may lose it, your lunch I mean.

What's that smell?


Well, I don't know what to say. I'm beginning to wonder if I died and just haven't realised. No wait, that's Nicole kidman in "The Others."

Was in court yesterday, as witness in the continuing saga of mystery person's lovelife. Glad we were on our way out when a legal looking person came up to the two gentlemen we had been sitting next to for quite a while, and said "but you ARE down as being connected to Jamaican drug lords."


Went to see a friend who hasn't washed or dressed for nearly three months now. And I felt bad about not blogging. It's supposed to be good for your mental health now. Don't think a juicy libel case would be though.

Thinking of sending a valentine card to ex's dog, just to stir things up a bit. Though the last time I spoke to him an ex-colleague had gone bunny boiler on him. I've seen this situation develop before. Bless him, he does have a certain charisma, and nutters love to project their self-hatred on him, especially when they realise they won't be gathering a following like his.

Been working on the parody blog, working title "Sunset Bitch" main character "Sharon Stroke." Problem is, a blog is all in first person, and it's hard to see how to work in all the other characters, to flesh them out a little more than background shadows. Got a wonderful profile pic though, from a site covering partial masks for transexuals.

Other than that, unless they would allow a civil partnership with my dogs, there's nothing else really to report.

Ta ra Kleverkloggs.

Thursday, January 26, 2006

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER KENNEL













Cheeky Chantelle














Dennis the Menace














Footie Faria










Gorgeous George








Jolly Jodie



Mute Maggot

Mad Michael

Petulant Pete

Poor Preston

Racy Rula

Traci Tease

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

I'M LOVING IT!

INVASION

[of the body-snatching sea monkeys.]

Thursday, January 05, 2006

HE'S BACK !




















SPEEDOS AS NEW
BUT BEEN WORN
I HAVE USED THESE FOR 2005 TRIATHLON
SO THEY NEEDED TO BE NICE AND TIGHT
ASK ME ANY QUESTIONS
MORE PHOTOS FOR BIDDERS

This is the last time I will be mocking a complete stranger for trying to make some cash, though I would remind everyone that this item is size "small."

[This image has been posted for entertainment purposes only, and no warranties are given or implied by kleverkloggs or the proprietors of this site, that a sock was not used in the presentation of this merchandise.]

Sunday, January 01, 2006

Happy New Year!!!!




It was 50 years ago today....

Go to Mamie's site now and order one of her "tit prints," she'll sign it for you if you ask her!

http://www.mamievandoren.com/


COMING SOON

I *HEART* FANNY